March 12, 2012

Decisions

At Anthony Jones's workshop last month, he said that that's all that the process of making art is - a series of decisions. Like many things in life, that lesson can be applied again and again and again to all sorts of things, from drawing to life in general.
Today I was doing a study of head in black in white. I had my timer set to 30 minutes, and while I was painting I suddenly realized what I was doing.. Instead of making any decisions at all in value, I was muddling around, blending and fumbling with what was already there without really making any statement at all. I suddenly noticed what I was doing and stopped.  "There's really only one decision I need to make here.. darker or lighter. " It's not that hard, I realized. I just didn't want to make a decision. I just didn't want to commit to the statement "darker" or "lighter".
I've always been bad at making decisions. I think it's because I can empathize with both sides, and all of their possible pros and cons mix and muddle with my personal beliefs, which are just as indecisive as anything else I may encounter. In the end, any difficult decisions I end up making are the result of nothing more than what my feelings vaguely sway me towards.
But that's not how I should work. Decisions are important. Decisions define your life. Decisions are definite. Yes or no, darker or lighter, hard edge or soft edge... one of those decisions may be wrong, but in the end what is really important is that you make a decision in the first place.
I've realized that in my life, this is a terribly large, overreaching trend. When I draw, I also sway against making any decisions. Actually, I noticed that I always tend towards a deliberate vagueness. I very hardly do things that are polished, When I paint environments, I'm naturally attracted towards fog and underwater scenes. When I draw characters, I like to just suggest at eyes, nose, mouth instead of fleshing anything out. When I was developing a story for my Visual Storytelling class, I was unable to come up with anything until the day before, until I eventually just hastily threw ideas together. I hate writing essays that tell you to form opinions on subjects because I have no definite opinion either way. In relationships, I am constantly unable to even choose between 'yes, i'll stay' or 'no, i want to leave'. The most common phrases I tend to say include "i don't know", "maybe", and "i'm not sure". I am terrible at making any decisions at all.
But now that I've noticed this, I can work against it. So I've decided... to make more decisions. Because that's really all that defines anything. 



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